Life Changes – Are you ready?
Whether we welcome it or not, the only constant in our lives is change, and it is best we are prepared for changes. Some changes can throw us out of balance if we are not capable of being flexible, creative, accepting them and being realistic. I’d like to help you walk through these changes that may come in mid-life and give you some tools to navigate them and emerge as unscathed as possible.
When a Relationship no longer works.
Relationships are difficult. It takes two lives coming together and making space for each other. They require love, patience, understanding, kindness, compassion, as well as interdependence and boundaries. All easier said than done.
In past generations, it was common that the woman took a step back and allowed the man to lead (or at least think he did) as not to bruise his ego or cause him embarrassment in society. We’ve come a long way baby! In our modern times, relationship has become more of a partnership, with women having professions, careers and bringing home the bacon side by side with her partner. Men have taken a more active role in the partnership by being present in childcare needs and decisions, as well as home duties. Relationships, to work, need to be balanced. Both partners need to give and take evenly. When one gives too often, while the other seems to be the taker, the giver will often feel exhausted, frustrated, and depleted. This will start to create tension and resentment. The taker will feel out of balance, needy and small, as they are not giving.
Take for example a man who is the provider for the family, he feels powerful, in control for a while, as this feeds his needs to be a giver. The woman who is being provided for takes on smaller roles to feel she is also contributing, but will not feel powerful or in control, as she is not contributing in the same way. Especially when a man’s work requires travel. The woman will start to feel left behind, lonely, and emotionally needy. This relationship can also be in reverse, when the woman is the bread winner, and the man becomes the taker in an inverse relationship.
If the relationship is valuable, many will seek to repair it by changing its dynamics; the woman going back to school or work, the man taking a more active role in day-to-day life. Spending time together as a couple, seeking couples therapy, life coaching, etc.
If the relationship continues to be unbalanced for a prolonged period, undoubtedly, it will reap consequences sometimes beyond repairs, especially if disrespect sets in, or there is infidelity. Abuse of any type; physical, emotional, financial will destroy many relationships, as does substance abuse.
If you are at the end of line, have tried to reconcile without success and are considering divorce or separation, take this into consideration.
Prepare yourself well with legal knowledge and advice. Make a list of your contributions and be sure to take what is your proper share. Do not be hasty and sign legal documents without proper counsel and sign your rights away just to be “done and over” with the relationship. You will regret it later.
Be clear and concise in stating your needs, without being irrational and unfair out of anger. If there are children involved, take them into consideration first and foremost. Sadly, in most divorces and separations the children are the ones who are hurt the worse. Yet do not remain in a relationship where you are abused, treated unfairly, or are not content only because of the children. They grow up, move on, find their own partners and you will be left to regret an unfulfilled life. This will make you resent your children, and they in turn you.
In my experience, “friendly divorces” are most often than not a myth, as once the paperwork starts and attorneys take place in the matter it can go from a settlement agreement to full out war. Keep your mental clarity. Know what is and what is not fair and equitable and try not to engage in a long-hauled war. The only ones that win these are the attorneys and their bank accounts while yours get depleted.
Get help. Seek support from a therapist, life coach, family, and friends, but do allow them to make decisions for you. You and only you will have to live with the decisions made.
Separations and divorces are like traveling through a dark tunnel, but knowing there is light at the end, and life after that.
Establish goals for your post-divorce life. Short term (one year) and long term (five years). Seek activities that will help you grow, fulfill you and continue to make you a better human.
Do not enter another relationship too quickly. You will end up choosing the same troubled person you divorced. Give yourself time. To know yourself, to know your needs and establish healthy boundaries. You will love again, I promise. Good luck and strive to be happy.
If you any guidance during or after your separation or divorce, reach out. Life coaching can help you cope and set new goals. Acupuncture can help you relax, sleep better and manage your stressors so you are better equipped for new decisions.
